Queenstown handed me the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I grew quite lonely after my room full of Strays turned into a room full of void..
The scene is depressing. Old bags of food. Neat stacks of clothing replaced by a mess that covers the floor. A half drank bottle of beer. One bed and one chair.. The only two spots she moves between. Dark blinds block out the active world. Money being drained day by day with no point and no purpose. She's scared of the ultimate adventure, but isn't that why she's here? She plays tricks with herself. The only mind she's ever met that can shake her foundation and turn confidence into cowardice. She feels her spirits slipping, and she knows the spiral well. She's been climbing out for years.. Day after day after day. And she's tired. Tired of the constant battle. Tired of the constant war between ignorant smiles and all-knowing sighs. The middle ground is a tiny peak and her core isn't strong enough to find the right balance. She must keep practicing. Must keep training. But she is so, so tired.
If the scariest thing is being alone with myself, then the biggest challenge - the biggest adventure - is standing to face that fear. I could have moved into another room, using new faces as a distraction and a band-aid for my demons. I could have reached for my security blanket and gotten back on the bus. But that's not why I'm here. You can't change what you don't address.
We should always be looking to improve. Always be humble enough to address our weaknesses head-on and put consistent effort into making them stronger. Rather than convince ourselves "it's normal" and "everyone has trouble with this", why not be bold enough to make a change? Be bold enough to admit you're wrong, and you might find just how right it feels. And when embarking on an adventure of the psyche, there's no backdrop more beautiful than Queenstown.
Well shucks, aren't I cool? ;)
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to hear more, lady! Miss ya.